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If placed end to end. . . .

Nut and Wiener
News Headline: “Nutmobile and Wienermobile visiting area.”
It is a little-known fact that the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile is, at 27 feet long,  the same length as the Planters Nutmobile.
And sometimes facts are little-known for a reason.

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All’s well that ends wells

Deepwater
News Headline:
“BP oil spill is much worse than people think, scientists say.”
News Headline: “Lawyers for Gulf spill victims say BP trying to renege on payments.”
News Headline: “BP warns Russian sanctions will hurt profits.”
If you look hard enough, there is a bright spot to even the Ukraine crisis.

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Countdown to autumn

College Football
News Headline: “OU running back under investigation in alleged assault.”
News Headline: “Southern Miss CB admits he played role in armed robbery.
Can it be only 26 days until college football?
You can almost feel it.

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The solution is staring right at us

Sarah Palin
News Headline: “Reality-show TV facing ratings decline.”
OK. . . reality’s on the way out. . . but what can we get to replace it?’
News Headline: “Sarah Palin gets her own TV channel.”
Of course.

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Annals of modern research

Grandma's Lessons

News Headline: “People who feel they have a purpose in life live longer.”
A major purpose of modern science is to obtain precise measurements indicating everything our grandmas always told us.

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These things happen

AsteroidNews Headline: “Killer bus-sized asteroid flies dangerously close past Earth.”
That was two months ago.
This month’s killer bus-sized asteroid flying dangerously close is Asteroid 2014 OP2.
It was discovered Saturday, two days after it passed halfway between Earth and the moon.
As long as we are keeping track of killer bus-sized asteroids.

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Today’s good news

U.S. CapitolElectorate

News Headline:
“Do-Nothing Congress takes a vacation.”
News Headline: “Voter turnout drops to record lows across nation.”
Always try to look on the bright side.
A do-nothing government. A do-nothing electorate.
At last, we’ve achieved national ¬†unity.

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Regarding lizard sex satellites

Russian SatelliteNews Headline: “There is a lizard sex satellite floating in space, and Russia no longer has it under control.”
A reminder that these things happen in threes.

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Modern education + the criminal mind =

A woman in Enid, Okla., called the police to report that her dealer had sold her impure meth, police said.

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And the tweets keep coming

Hamas RocketsNews Headline: “More celebs weigh in on Gaza.”
Be patient.. Give us a couple of more days, and we’ll have this completely trivialized.

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